It has been far too long, and there is far too much going on for me to excuse how little I have written lately.  It’s a funny situation but, when there is lots of not so fun stuff going on (read: family drama), though I still have all the other normal “thought-running-wild-and-random” days, not so fun stuff compells me to not share that stuff.  I think it has a lot to do with realizing that I am terribly affected by the family drama, and it is near to impossible for me to blather on about other stuff, and not bring up the family drama.  I also realize that, though I have nice and supportive friends, no one wants to hear my family drama, but bless them for listening while they do.  All of which is to say, I let the drama take a hold of me, far more than I should let it.  I feel almost paralyzed.  I don’t exercize, I don’t call my friends, but I drink.  A lot.  At the bar, not by myself.  It’s a classic case of self-medication.  And between the boozy self-medication, the foody self-medication, and all the family drama that has transpired in the last 5 months, I have put on at least 35 pounds and spent a whole lot of $$ on food and booze. 

Now, the sole reason I am putting this out in the world, is because I cannot do this anymore.  I cannot live like this, and I do not want to continue living like this.  Posting these desires here makes them real, and makes them tangible.  I do not want to continue not taking care of myself and my relationships because I feel like the family drama makes doing those things harder.  I have come a long way in how I deal with the family drama, but I feel like eliminating this aspect of coping is one of the final steps towards being released from it all.  I love my family, and I will always be a part of it, and the drama that goes with it, but I must continue learning how to deal with all of it in a way that is not harmful to myself, nor allows me to feel sorry for myself or pull out of doing things with others or for myself because I am dealing with the family drama. 

It all seems very cut and dry once I am looking at it here, but I cannot believe how much time I have spent hiding (even out in the wide open) from my problems.  And what’s worse, is that I don’t realize I’m doing it at the time.  I just don’t “feel up to it” or my personal favorite, “I just don’t wanna.”  Then, I look back or realize how much other stuff I should have, could have done – and I think, what the hell was I doing?  No more.  As of today, no more.  Get up, get moving, get on with my life.  This will be my mantra for the future.  And when the going gets tough, get up, get moving, and write about it.  Although laughter is usually really good medicine, I think this can only be cured by thinking it through, getting it out of my system, and thinking some more.  No more avoiding my own thoughts through booze.  No more avoiding exercize through a hangover.  No more avoiding my life at all!